So Dirty

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I came across an article the other day about unintentionally perverted kids toys. I can't believe that this stuff ever made it to market.

Meet one of the Punisher transformers. Apparently it wasn't enough to have the shape shifter look like this...

They had to take it one step further for full transformation...

Now that just looks like it hurts. How exactly would you react to seeing your child play with a toy that looks like he's crapping out a rocket of some sort??

This one is even worse. Check out this popsicle that once you've licked it enough, squirts out a gooey substance. Um, yeah. Only pervy ice cream truck men would be selling this to little kids.

Hey kids, why not hang your clothes on a boner bear.

Or let's play squirt gun war with penis batman. This one just conjures up memories of the SNL cartoon The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

I just don't see how this stuff ever actually made it past the marketing department. Do you think these are the results of disgruntled employees trying to get their company in trouble? No adult in their right mind could think this stuff is innocent. Either way, it made me laugh.

Pregnancy Retarded

I always knew that once I got pregnant I'd realize how much I don't know about being pregnant. But man, I was way wrong. I know like negative amounts of information about being pregnant. I'm currently 22 weeks along and pretty much freaking out about something new every day.

To start things off, in my first trimester I was pretty sure that everything I ate, put on my skin, or touched was screwing up the baby. I didn't drink alcohol or coffee or smoke crack or anything, but I was convinced I was doing some sort of harm. To this day, I won't stand in front of a microwave when it's on - just in case. One thing they don't tell you about - nightmares. I thought maybe I was a freak because I wasn't having the lovey-dovey-singing-through-a-forest-with-animals-and-my-baby dream. Instead, I have a reoccurring nightmare of people visiting our home to see the baby for the first time. They think he's so cute that they want to take a close up picture with a very large camera. They proceed to drop said camera on his face. Not cool. The most vivid nightmare was being at a metro station with my husband waiting for a train to pull up. A man disguised as a security guard turned to us and opened fire. I get shot in the left rib cage and pretty much die. Did I mention I'm not actually on crack?

In the second trimester, I've managed to develop some weirdo itchy skin rash on my stomach. No joke, I've been scratching my stomach non-stop throughout the day. It looks like the baby is trying to claw out of my skin. Greg and I finally looked up this phenomenon and turns out lucky me, it's due to skin stretching really fast and is the most common rash a pregnant woman can get. Sexy. I've also developed a major intolerance for stupidity. I cannot tolerate people who make stupid comments or do stupid things like waste my time. Let's just say I have major work rage. If someone looks at me wrong at work I'm pretty sure I'll cut them. I've definitely though about introducing my fist to some faces. I can't get fired right? Because I'm pregnant.

My sister-in-law has always told me I have a "sharp tongue" and I've started to notice more and more that she's right. I've been very blunt in telling my husband about the changes that pregnancy has brought on and after reading Jenny McCarthy's very blunt book "Belly Laughs", I'm pretty sure she and I could be the best of friends (solely based on her verbal explanations of pregnancy). The other day we went to the ultrasound tech to find out the gender of our baby. The only thing I could say during the entire thing is "that's crazy", "that's so crazy", "look at that, isn't that crazy"? They just laughed at me. Probably because a normal person's reaction would include tears, an "oh, just look at that, how wonderful", etc.

Then we get to the doctor's office. I ask her my laundry list of random questions, and then basically ask her what questions we need to be asking that we aren't asking - because we are "pregnancy retarded". Yep, I told the doctor that my husband and I are "pregnancy retard". I think she knows I'm a little cuckoo to begin with, but she looked taken aback for a moment, then just started laughing at us. I seriously wonder if she thinks I'm going to be totally psycho during labor. Um, yes, I can guarantee that much. Then just today at work I was in an elevator with a director and three other employees...I managed to say that I don't always enjoy babysitting all that much. Way to go, mom to be. What a great thing for a pregnant woman to say in front of other people.

Soooo, labor. How come no one ever told me about this vacuum thing? I don't know what it is or what it looks like and I'm pretty sure I need to keep it that way. And what's all this about afterbirth? And um, hello, why doesn't ANYONE tell you how difficult breastfeeding apparently is. As in hurts, is frustrating, and sounds downright impossible. I always just thought you put your boob in their mouth and away they go. Nope, apparently not. It just makes me wonder what else I don't know about. I know about the poo on the table and the swelling, but that's about it. I'm terrified to go to a birthing class. Is it totally uncalled for if I start crying during the video?

All you mommies out there, lay it on me. Tell me what I really need to know.

Satan's Tooth

I am OCD about a lot of things. Second only to checking that I've turned off the oven is - flossing my teeth. I floss my teeth every day at least once a day. Maybe it's because I grew up with an orthodontist uncle or maybe I just like clean teeth. Either way, I am completely crazy when it comes to brushing and flossing. How bad you ask? Every year I ask my mom to get me the Costco size Glide dental floss for Christmas...you know, the one that's a 6 pack or something...it's THAT exciting for me to get new floss.

I went to the dentist this year and was surprised to see him show me a crack developing in one of my teeth. Hello, I'm 29, not a 65 year old from Podunk with 3 teeth missing already. So he said I needed a crown. Fine. Got fitted for the crown then my tooth started to hurt so he sent me to get a root canal done. Fine. Despite what you've heard, root canals are a walk in the park, btw. I would much rather have a root canal than a cavity. Drilling during a cavity filling makes me want to have a heart attack.

So after the root canal is done, my tooth still hurts. They give me antibiotics in case I have an infection. Doesn't fix the problem. I get one more week of antibiotics. Doesn't fix the problem. I get the root canal opened up and done a second time. Yes, it was a pain in the ass but it didn't hurt (again, vote for the root canal and not the cavity). One week of antibiotics later and guess what? It still feels like this.

Last Friday I got to go to an oral surgeon to see if he could do an apicoectomy (deep root canal that involves cutting the gum and going way up in the tooth canal). I'm talking surgery with an IV and stitches and pain killers. Oh, and the root canal goes so far up toward the sinuses that I'm not allowed to blow my nose for two weeks since I guess I could blow a hole from my nose to my tooth. Oh, and if I sneeze, I must do so with my mouth open (this happened twice yesterday and I thought I was going to crap my pants I was so nervous that I might blow a hole through my nose).

It's been a week now and guess what, my tooth still hurts. The doc said my stitches haven't dissolved yet so hopefully that's the only reason for the pain - and to come back in two weeks. But seriously, I'm going nuts. I'm pretty sure I've turned into robo-bitch because I'm in constant pain. It hurts to talk on the phone and it isn't fun to talk at work or even smile (because smiling tugs on the stitches, hurray!). I actually have to take Sensodyne to work and brush my teeth every hour just to get 15 minutes of freedom. The other day it got so bad that I just shoved some up by my gums and left it there...no rinsing out. How gross is that? I'm desperate.

I'm pretty sure I might go all Carrie on some body's ass if they so much as look at me the wrong way. I mean, I'm pretty sure I have horns sprouting out of my forehead and claws growing, just ready to rip some one's eyes out. So if you see me around, don't expect me to talk to you or even smile at you for that matter.

Childhood Movies

Last night Greg and I were watching Glee...if you haven't seen it, watch it online. It's awesome. We ended up talking about how that show must seem really cool for little kids because it's like a tv series of High School Musical. But then did anyone catch the line between Emma, the guidance counselor, and Rachel, the girl trying to be bulimic???...Rachel: "I guess I just don't have a gag reflex." Emma, the counselor: "One day, when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift."

Um, hello. It was almost like watching Shrek 3, where there's all sorts of crazy adult innuendos in there, but it totally goes over kids' heads. So we started reminiscing about movies from our childhood. Since we were born only two months apart, we pretty much grew up on the same movies, tv shows, and music.

I specifically remember being absolutely terrified watching the movie Lady in White. And I remember loving the Halloween movie The Canterville Ghost. So we rented The Canterville Ghost from Netflix, and let me tell you, it was the worst movie ever...it made me question my brain as a child. The Lady in White came on tv over the summer, that movie is still scary as shit. Then I remember watching Grease 2 with my sister. Robyn was seriously obsessed with this movie, no joke. Robyn wrote a letter to Michelle Pfeiffer whenever the movie came out and she actually got a letter back with a signed photo.

Now that's a movie I totally don't understand why my mom let us watch it. They sing a song about reproduction and the whole movie is about getting lucky. Really, we were like 6 and 9 years old when we watched that. Didn't we run around singing "where does the pollen go"??

There is one childhood movie that is just as good now as we remembered it: Monster Squad.

The movie was just as funny and the monsters were pretty entertaining. I mean, who doesn't like a character named Fat Kid and who wouldn't love seeing a little 5 year old girl tell her older brother that he's a chicken shit?

Blair Witch Auction

A few weeks ago, Greg and I went to a real estate auction for the first time. Before the auction started, we both took bets on how much it would sell for. Greg was surprisingly accurate. But we knew when the auctioneer tried to start the bids at twice what we would pay that there was no chance in hell we'd even bid.
This Saturday we went to another auction in town. The house was in a great location and had great square footage but from the outside picture, it looked old and outdated. We thought maybe we could get a great deal on it though and just fix it up.

We arrived about 30 minutes before auction time and were a little confused because there was no one else there. At the first auction, we were 25 minutes early and there were already 50 or so people there. So we strolled on down to the house to check it out. The brown rusty pipes in the garage were the first sign of an old gross house. As soon as we walked in the main level, my allergies went crazy. The place looked clean, just outdated...as in blue carpets in the bedrooms. We walked down to the basement and were forever traumatized. This house totally had a killing room. I mean, 5x5 ft room with a single bare light bulb and a door. This was not a storage closet. It was totally a Blair Witch room where they make you stand in the corner before they whack you over the head and kill you. No joke. I made Greg go stand in the corner so I could take this picture. Although it was funny and we giggled like little school girls, we were both terrified that someone was going to show up behind us, shove us in the room, and chop us into little pieces.

So instead of taking bets on how much this place would sell for, we took a bet on how many people have been killed in this house. Too bad we'll never know. And we weren't dumb enough to stick around for the auction - we were outta there faster than fat kids in dodge ball.

Steak Bone-r Anniversary

My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary by going to my favorite restaurant in downtown Franklin, TN. It's a cool place with fun eats like beef tenderloins with blue cheese risotto and asparagus. Yum! We sat on the upstairs patio and got a really awesome waiter, so we were totally excited about this anniversary dinner.

I ordered the usual and Greg ordered what I can only describe to be the Old 96er. Only this seemed to be a very horny 96er because it totally had a boner. I couldn't help behaving like a 12 year old with a giggle fit when our waiter slapped that down on the table. Although, to my defense I had just had a very potent martini. I mean, just look at this thing.

Really, couldn't they have cut that off before they cooked it? One order of circumcised steak please! I was immature enough to pull out the iPhone and take a picture - in front of people. And that wasn't enough, I had to actually get a close up shot. And then, I had to do a Perez Hilton and draw on it. Apparently I have no manners. Sorry mom.

Buddy the Squirrel

Growing up, my house always had some kind of recovering injured animal in it. I think my mom is some cross-version of a horse whisperer / animal loving Snow White. You know that scene in Shrek the Third where Snow White sings Led Zeppelin's The Immigrant Song? I immediately though of my mom and her army of wild animals - birds, turtles, hermit crabs, etc. We always had baby birds living on our porch because they'd fallen out of neighborhood trees. My mom would use a syringe to feed them baby bird food and we'd take turns playing with random recovering birds on our porch.

One time I even caught a chipmunk, but let me tell you, those are not fun pets. I think I had it in a gerbil cage for all of one hour before I let it go - I thought it would have a heart attack trying to run out of the clear plastic cage. But the craziest pet we ever had was a pet squirrel named Buddy.

When I was away in college, one of my best high school friends found an abandoned baby squirrel. And what did she do - she called my mom. Next thing you know, my mom is taking care of a squirrel - after calling animal control to see if they carried rabies, of course. She named it Buddy and it lived in a dog carrier on our porch. Seriously. He'd even crawl under the towels we'd given him and circle the cage like a dog deciding where to plop down to sleep. I first met Buddy when my parents came to visit me freshman year. My mom carried him in some straw-like purse thing and he'd poke his head out from under a towel every few minutes. I'm just happy the dorm staff didn't realize my mom was smuggling a wild animal into their facilities.

I came home for the holidays to find that Buddy would crawl up my mom like a tree and then run, jumping off her outstretched arm, onto my 6'3 father. When I arrived, Buddy was thrilled to see that a third human tree had sprouted for him to scamper up and jump off of. It was just short of freaking crazy to have a squirrel run up your back and soar off of an outstretched limb. But he was a chill little guy and this was life at my house.

After a while, Buddy grew up and it was time to set him free into the wild again. It took him a few days to stop coming back to the porch each night to crawl into "his" dog carrier. He'd still hang around our backyard and even come running if my mom ever called out his name. He'd been gone for several weeks before I came home for summer break from college. I was dressed and on my way to work one morning when I felt I was being watched going to my car. I looked over and saw a squirrel staring at me on the sidewalk. "Buddy?", I said.

I was immediately transformed into the human tree, with a squealing squirrel running up my side, through my hair, and around my neck. OH MY GOD. This was de-house-broken, I know how to hunt my own food, going to cut you with my claws, Buddy. I flipped out because he wouldn't get off me, he'd peed on my shoulder, and seemed to be ready to claw my eyes out. I managed to grab his body, fling him several feet away from me, and run inside the house just as he was about to get in behind me. I'll never forget the shrieking sound he made when I had to tosh him like a bean bag into the yard.

So needless to say, I am TERRIFIED of squirrels now. No joke. If I see a squirrel in a park, or on a campus, or even near my car, I freeze, trying to figure out the quickest way to get inside a building or a car. Even if a squirrel is just running around a tree or picking up an acorn, if it so much as looks at me, I grab the nearest person (usually my husband) and hide behind them. So if you're ever walking with me and I have a panic attack, just look around and see if there are any Buddy's walking around.